Rainbow...LIKE MY SOUL!

Finally back at school after a long and less than savory spring break.

I spent the entire week cleaning out my room. It's ridiculous how much crap I've accumulated over the years. It was mostly junk I just threw away. A lot of dust, too. But I found a ton of stuff I had completely forgotten and really treasure. It was certainly an experience.

On Thursday I made a point to go to the high school and get some of the work done for my final project in illustration. I took pictures of Mr. Adams, Mr. Telles, Madame Finacey, and Mr. Moore. Only half the requirement of subjects D: I guess I'll have to go back in and get the rest of them later. I took all the pictures with my brand new camera! :D It's a lovely little thing, I finally have one of my own.

Today I hung out with Kate for a couple hours before she went to work, she made me pudding and we watched food network like a couple of weirdos. I seriously missed her. I'm glad that I'm back here, even if most of my friends aren't yet. I can't wait till we take that trip to Boston, I just hope it isn't next weekend, since it'll be my brother and sister's birthday. Oh, and I finally watched Paris, Je T'Aime. It was so great! I fell in love with it. It's totally sweet and sour and it just fills you up with French goodness.

I had a major schism with Amy over the week. I'm sad to say it ended badly. And by "badly" I mean it turned into a torrent of ridiculous insults flung at one another. I find it funny that she's completely switched around and gone with the people that insulted and ignored her when she needed help. I listened to her and tried to give my support for almost a year and I get this shit. I just wish she hadn't pushed me to acting so angrily. Amy and I were never really compatible, never really even best friends. But we've been through a lot together, and it makes me feel kind of bad that I got so angry. But when Kayla got thrown into the mix and I remembered how no one was there to support me when she made me feel like such a piece of shit I couldn't help myself. I was angry at Amy for being able to forgive Kayla and Rae so readily and when I don't even do anything wrong she gets mad at me for having opinions about her smoking and being around bad influences. I was only trying to help, as usual. Though I guess I'm not even good for that when it comes to them.

I had a moment last night where I really just couldn't see the point in living anymore. It was so retarded. My family was out at their various sports and I was just lying in bed thinking about how everything fell in around me and I just got tired of living and being around people. Fortunately it passed, I was so scared. I don't want to repeat that. I've felt it before, probably a few times. But I wonder how many people have, probably almost everyone.

I remember how much I used to insult Kayla. I don't remember if she was ever particularly mean to me when I was mean to her. All I remember is her calling me fat, immature, creepy, a pig, a five-year-old, and saying I'm unable to get into a relationship. All I see in her now is the girl that got caught when she had sex in the art room storage closet. When I was cleaning out my room I found a bunch of photo booth pictures that Kayla, Rae, Amy, and I took at the Museum of Science years ago. It's so insane how everything's changed so dramatically since then. I remember how Kayla tried to apologize for the awful things she said about me. I remember how I never apologized for making fun of her stupid Japanese rock bands. It just makes me feel more guilty and stubborn, not being able to forgive her. She was actually kind to me. For so long. She was so great. And then she said such hurtful things, and tried to apologize, but I didn't care. I just feel terrible and mean, and she's the one who said I was a blimp! I am so confused and lost and I just want friends who care. Like she used to. Like I feel I didn't when she did.

I'm not like them. I never have been. I was the last person to join the group. I've never had alcohol. I've never smoked anything. Never had sex. I've never even fooled around with a guy. I can't understand where any of them are coming from. I've tried to explain it time and time again but no one seemed to get it. I'm an outsider to all of them, I just tried to fit in for years. It didn't really work. Maybe Kayla's right, maybe I am a fat, immature little creep who sits on the sidelines and watches. I've tried to contribute more recently, I really have. But nothing seems to work for me. As much as I try to deny it, I really want a boyfriend. In all honesty I've never really had one. A constant, someone I can go to as often as I want and share my feelings and be physical with and give all this affection I store up and only spend on material things.

I want to forget these people, but they actually made me feel wanted for more time than anyone else has managed to. I have a lot of memorabilia from them. I'm just so tired, I'm tired of drugs and sex and the masks people wear so they seem stronger.

I wrote a lot more here than I really wanted to.

I was never a huge fan of the movie "Cats Don't Dance," but this song is pretty great.

All day yesterday was the Lord of the Rings marathon here at NHIA. Tim Jones, Matt, Andy, me, Jess, her sister Christina, Genova, and Matt's friend Lauren all watched the extended editions of all three movies in a row yesterday. Well, I missed the first ten minutes of the first one and everyone but Tim, Andy, and Matt came a bit later, but it doesn't matter. It was such a blast.

I mean, it started at noon and ended around 4 in the morning, so I was pretty much worn out till eternity, but it still rocked. We watched it on Andy's projector so we kept pausing it to put funny shadow puppet glasses on the characters. Might have delayed us a bit.

I made cookies that were supposed to look like Gandalf (I used a snowman cookie cutter, some buttercream frosting, and a sparkly blue frosting writer) and hobbit feet cookies. I was so happy that everyone ate them all, makes me feel pretty special :)

We took a couple breaks and frolicked in the snow. I loved it. I haven't played in the snow forever. I got soaked, but I haven't had so much fun in a while. I really needed yesterday.

I feel like a whole new Kate.

Today was a day of epic proportions. I saw so many people and did so many things in the span of seventeen hours. So I feel like logging it :D

Got up at seven, got ready, went to 3D at nine. Halfway through class I realized I couldn't get anything done with so few materials. So Aimee and I went off to Home Depot and got some stuff to work with and skipped out on the second half of class. So much more preferred.

I had a break from noon to 3, so I just stayed in my room and did nothing or particular interest. I worked on my 3D project (which is so bitching btw) and made myself look less like ass. At 3 I met up with Kara, Aaron, and Amanda and we headed off to the Audobon center to take pictures of/draw dead animals. Thankfully that only lasted about an hour. Amanda was feeling pretty crappy over a very recent and very nasty breakup, and when we passed by an old diner she loved we decided to go in and get some ice cream. I got red raspberry fudge. Oh man. So we stay there for a little while, and at about 6 we go back to the dorms. I have another hour to kill before drawing. Again, I do nothing interesting.

At 7 I go off to drawing. Nothing too interesting there. Except every half hour or so we go into the other room to look at the lunar eclipse. So cool. Jess shows up, wtf, I haven't seen her in forever. So when drawing gets out I head up to 7/11 for slurpees with Kate, Matt, Andy, Jess, Tim Jones, and Jameson. It's around 10. I get a mango blue raspberry twist weird thing and it tastes like win. I get back at around 10:45. I am dead. So I just hang with Kate for a little while, go upstairs and check on Jameson, Matt, Aerille, and Steve. And just now I looked up in Spencer's room and saw Leon and Spencer. So there is my elaborate day. Fun times.

I needed today. Things have been tensing up for a while and finally I'm just allowed to go out and have fun again. Running around tonight while going to 7/11 was so great, it was freezing and my feet hurt in my ridiculously gorgeous boots, but it was the best thing I've done in a while. I don't get out very often nowadays and I'm always tired and out of shape. So running around like a little kid is great. Going ice skating on Saturday is going to be a very similar experience. There's just something appealing to me about running around outside in the cold.

I'm tired of taking things so seriously. That's just not who I am. I'm just glad drinking a slurpee or eating ice cream in below freezing weather. So long as I've got my friends.

If I ever open a comic store, that's what I'll call it.

I have been obsessing over Batman lately in a way that cannot be truly seen as healthy. I ripped through two discs (about 7 episodes each) of the animated series today, and I just spent a large sum of money on comic books (3 hardcover, 1 issue), a poster, a t-shirt, and whatever else I missed. As soon as I finish my animated series DVDs I'm moving onto my Batman Beyond DVDs which have been lonely and sad for a little while.

I've been all over other comic series as well. Legion of Superheroes for one. I watched that show every Saturday morning while I got ready for work over the summer. It's a little retarded, and Superman is a dick (lol superdickery.com), but it's still fun. Brainy gets me every time. Aimee's been loving Daredevil, and I can tell you I don't blame her. If I had less self-restraint than I do (which isn't very much) I would probably fall into it too. But Spiderman still sucks.

All I'm saying in this entry is that I'm becoming more of the American I am. If you quizzed me on various classic and contemporary animes I would know everything, I can assure you. But I'm just beginning in this comic world. I've always harbored a perverse love for Batman, even if it as always subconscious. But now it's manifesting itself full-force.

I have to say, I don't really miss manga all that much. What I've decided to keep is what I love. Dragon Knights, Gravitation, everything by CLAMP I ever bought. Those are the series that I can't really ever get rid of. I know them inside and out. I was once a huge anime nerd. And now I can barely bring myself to say the word "anime." I'm almost disappointed in myself. I was once the queen of the stuff, I knew every new series coming out, I sampled every little bit. But I haven't even downloaded a new yaoi in some time (better hurry, it's kind of like my crack.) It's like American superheroes and crime-fighting stories have taken over my life in place of the much more mundane anime storylines.

Don't get me wrong, Sailor Moon will always be on the top of my list. It's really ridiculously similar to superhero stories. But anime's lacking in something that American's can really bring to the table; the art. Anime art can be seriously lacking (but in most of the series I love, it's tops). From what I enjoy out of American comics, there is no expense left out in the art. It's like a mini masterpiece on each page. It's so simple, but effectively makes you think hours and hours of time were put into each panel.

I've become much more Americanized in my style lately. And I'm happy with it. I so much prefer the comic style to the manga style I once resided over. It's so much more comfortable to both look at and share with other people. But I know that if someone struck up a conversation with me about the similarities between Trigun and Cowboy Bebop or anything about Escaflowne, I would not be able to stop talking for hours. There's way too much info up in my noggin.

Anyway, Batman rules.

I AM SO FUCKING BORED. Like, beyond belief. There is a ton of shit I can be doing right now, too, which makes me feel like a lazy slob.

I guess that since I've gotten used to having people around me I now hunger for company. The only way you could get me to do anything productive right now is if you got someone in here to at least talk to me.

Everyone's off doing something else. And I'm stuck here, wallowing in the cold and boredom. Oh god I can't handle this D:

I've been sitting here since like, five. It's been three hours. I cannot take it. I'm gonna go smack some shit up because it would give me a reason to go outside my room.

I'm starting to look forward to my nana's memorial just because there will be people there. I need conversation, STAT.

It's time I cleaned out my manga/anime hutch :/ It's getting way overcrowded. So what better way to get rid of it all than making a little extra cash?

( It's all in here! )

Well it's finally time to kick out the last year of my childhood. See ya, sucker.

I say that it's the last year of my childhood simply because it's the only year I've been living towards my entire life. Ever since the beginning of time, if I were asked "what year are you graduating in?" I would answer "2007." And now that year is over. Goodbye. Sayonara.

And now, with cherry cordial on my breath and a pencil in my hand, I begin anew in the year 2008. Everything I have ever lived my life for is over, and I am starting what one might consider a "new" life. I'm still the same person, but with bigger goals.

For the remainder of my life, I have set up my New Life's Resolutions:
1) Start small; get Heat Wave up, get your name out, build up your story
2) Try to get your comic idea for Yaoi Press published
3) Dance harder than you've ever danced before
4) Finish college a better artist than when you went in
5) Become the person you've always hoped to be

I know i can fulfill all of these goals, and the only person I need to do all of that is myself. I know I can do it, and I know I will do it. This time it's a new Kate who's up to bat, and she takes no shit.

2007 was full of a ton of crap that I really don't want to repeat. It was one hellishly long year. I cut ties with one of my closest friends, severed them with shears. Had two really stink-o relationships, not something I really regret but more like something I don't want to happen again. Graduated, got into college, started college, and made a lot of great friends. There are things I will continue, and things I will end. But for now, I'll just draw and watch some Batman.

I haven't wanted to update my lj in a while. I've just felt like everything I would write would sound retarded and childish, which I suppose is an upgrade from when I didn't care and wrote it anyway? Oh well.

I've really been getting close with Kate. We have a lot in common, minus a few very different experiences and of course, age. She's been pining away at Brad while I've been nervous over Matt. It's fun to have another friend like that close by. I hope we get to go Christmas shopping soon :D She took me to Coldstone Creamery recently, and it was MADE OF WIN.

Leon and I have become much closer as friends, and I love it. He's a good friend, just as I remembered. It's fun being around him again, rather than nerve-wracking and painful. I hope we have at least one class together next semester.

Oh yeah, today was a snow day! Hoorah! I got to miss our field trip to a church, woopee. Hopefully I'll spend the day hanging out with my friends and watching movies or playing Super Mario or something. Matt lent me his Hercules game for Playstation, wtf. I had no idea that existed. I'll try that out.

Holy crap, last week my mom cracked out the old Sega Genesis 3 and all it's glory. I spent yesterday and today wondering over the joy that is Tiny Toons; Buster's Adventure. We never got as far as we did when Amy was doing most of the work. That game is ridiculous.

Sonic 3 is fun too. I can't wait to play as Sonic in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. I've been psyched about him being a new character forever.

Midterms this week :( I have to finish 15 sketches and 4 thumbnails for my drawing midterm. Other than that I'm pretty much set, just have to study for a couple others. And this Friday is the Halloween Ball! I'm gonna be a sexy knockoff Batgirl, Jess has no idea, Kara has no idea, Matt's gonna be Edward Scissorhands, Kate's Jill Valentine, and Dana I dunno, Leon and Ian I'm not even sure are going. Hectic! I can't wait, it's gonna be a blast. And then Jess said she'd take me to another Halloween party that Saturday too, so sweet. I'm not too thrilled about staying over the weekend though :( I love going home to recharge and see my family.

Matt loved the little picture I did for him. Now I need to draw Kate, Ian, and Dana. It'll be oodles of fun, I'm sure. I can probably do one tomorrow. Fun!

I just finished reading an essay assigned in writing, at it was so difficult to get past the first three pages. It was called, "On Being a Cripple" by Nancy Mairs. The author has multiple sclerosis, which is a disease that attacks the nerves in a person's body until they can't even move.

My godmother, Auntie Judy, has MS. She was just diagnosed with it in the past year or so. She's survived an aneurysm already, although she's now mostly blind in one eye. It hadn't really registered to me what the disease was like until I read the word in the essay.

Auntie Judy isn't related to me, but she's the only aunt to have ever really given a shit about me. When my mom was pregnant with Meg and Mike she would take me everywhere. I've seen countless Disney "on ice" shows with her, and she's taken me to so many museums I can't even remember them all. She always got me a present on my siblings' birthday, and vice versa. I was in her wedding just a few years ago. She doesn't have any children of her own, and she loves collecting penguins. I once painted a picture of a penguin in a desert or something for her. I love her very much.

When I read the essay it just hit me. My aunt whom I love so much is going to be crippled. For as long as I've known her she's worked for Verizon as one of the people that repairs broken phone lines in those huge cherry picker trucks. She won't be able to do that anymore.

The woman who wrote the essay was fairly positive and realistic about the disease. It still exists, though. She knows it's there every moment of every day.

In the middle while I was weeping like a child Matt came to my door to say goodnight on his way up to his room. He saw me all sniffly and red eyed and I could immediately tell he panicked. Maybe if we weren't such new friends he would have comforted me, but I can tell most people aren't that ready to touch me ever. So as he slowly backed away I just quietly said an essay hit a little close to home. And he told me that he would say a prayer for me, but I didn't believe in that kind of thing, but I told him he could anyway. I'd really rather he'd pray for my aunt even if I don't, because I'm not the one with MS. But he doesn't know anything about why I was crying. I'll tell him tomorrow when he looks less shocked to see me.

I don't even want to work on my writing homework now. I'll just do it tomorrow after 2D. This is too much for me to handle on so little sleep.

I love you Auntie Judy, and I always will.